Grrl to Grrl
(Advice)

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the question:
I am 29. I will be 30 Sunday. My boyfriend of 3 years is 31. His ex wife that he has two kids with is 28. His boys are 8 & 10. He comes over most nights. He gets the kids everyother weekend and on Tuesdays. I have never been married and don't have kids and don't want kids of my own. I am having a hard time dealing with his ex wife because she never does what she says she will do, she has nude pictures of herself on the internet, and she left a note in his truck. She also asked him what it would take for him to come home. She is remarried but sep. She also has a one year old child from anohter man (not her husband). I have anxiety when he calls over there to check on the kids because I am afraid he will engage her in conversation and go back home for the kids because she does need help. Plus he knows I don't want kids of my own. I want this to work becasue I do love him but I am scared of her and what she might do next. I don't trust her and I would be afraid to marry him for fear she would try to come to my home. Can you help me cope and get numb to the situation as what I am doing is clearly not working?

Thanks,
Shelly
thanx!

sheila’s advice
Hi Shelly,

You are in a tough situation. There is always the possibility that divorced or separated couples will reunite for the sake of the children or for financial reasons or for both. All you can do is look at your relationship with this guy and figure it if it is strong enough to make it through the potential rough patches with his ex. You say you love him, but is his feeling totally mutual? If so, then hopefully in addition to love you also have trust to help keep you together.

Another way of looking at things is that if they where really still in love with each other and wanted to be together then they wouldn't have gone through the turmoil of a divorce. He might just be playing the role of a great dad, and all you can do is trust that his feelings for you are pure and strong and talk to him about your concerns. Go with your gut instinct with what his responses to your talk with him tell you.

Good luck,

~Sheila

trixie’s advice
Shelly,

I'm not a therapist, or schooled in anything therapy. But I can relate to an extent - so this is based on experience: You can't be afraid of her. She is part of his past, good or bad, and you have to trust it's in the past. Otherwise you shouldn't be with him. It's always hard to trust someone completely. But he can't control what his ex does. So never blame him, or distrust him because of that. It isn't fair and it isn't right. I'm sure you know that. That's a problem whenever anyone dates someone with an ex. I really don't think she's the problem you should worry about. The problem is the fact that he's a dad - and should always be a dad first.

You have to know there's always the possibility his kids will live with him one day. That sounds more likely than him going home to the ex. Sounds better for the kids, too. Are you ready to be "mom" to those kids? Full-time, full-fledged? If not - move on now. It won't work. If so.... then focus on the two of you - not his ex. Do you love him and does he love you? Do you trust him? That's all you really need to know.

Personally - I never wanted anyone with kids or an ex. I never wanted kids myself. But I ended up with an ex. :) It was hard at first - I was always afraid he'd go back to her. But I quickly realized we were together because he loved me. Period. After that - she just faded into the background. Oh she's still around - but is so insignificant to me now. I wonder what I ever worried about. LOL Your situation is tougher because there's a permanent tie between them. I couldn't have dealt with that - so I avoided being in that situation. But people do it all the time. And it can work. You just have to be absolutely sure that it's what you want.

So decide what you really want. Then talk to him about it. Once you both know where you stand, it will be easier to deal with. If he says he only wants to be with you - then believe him. And when he talks to her on the phone tell yourself that. You've got him and she doesn't honey. That's what counts. :)

Don't get numb to the situation. Analyze it, then deal with it. Don't let some wench of an ex rule your life!!!!!! If you stay with him she will be a part of your life - but a very small one.

I'm not sure if this helps. But I've been down this road - kind of - so I know it does get better. Tons better.

Happy birthday, by the way. I hope you handle turning 30 better than I did. LOL

~Trixie

read what others have had to say:

Name:	andrea
Date:	Tue Apr 1 15:34:47 2003
Wrote... i did not suspect 4 someone so old to be on girlposse.com, but i totally respect u. i m only a teenager about to be 15. i say u approach the ex and tell her ur problem, if u don't she is always going 2 b an conceded slut with nude pictures of herself everyhere. if she does not listen kick her a@$. thanx bye 165.199.3.43 submitter's IP address

Name:
Date:	Tue Apr 1 05:21:50 2003
Wrote... 38.144.36.13 submitter's IP address

Name:
Date:	Mon Mar 31 16:29:59 2003
Wrote... 38.144.36.13 submitter's IP address

Name:	Jehna
Date:	Mon Feb 17 04:03:57 2003
Wrote... The thing with a guy with kids is that no matter what, she will always be the mother of his children. Which means that as long as his kids are a part of his life (in other words, forever), so is she. In 10 years or so, at his kids graduation, she will be there. In 15-20 years, when they get married, she will be there. No matter what happens, for how long, she will be there. This doesn't mean that she is #1 in his life, you have to trust that if he is with you, it's because you are the #1 woman. But if he is a decent dad, his kids come top of the list, which means he has to deal with her. Forever. If you can't accept that, and trust him to deal with her (and to resist her attempts to get them back together), then move on. A guy with kids and an ex is tough to deal with, I know, but only you can make the decision if it's worth it. 212.249.32.44 submitter's IP address

Name:	emily
Date:	Fri Jan 31 22:19:02 2003
Wrote... well im 10 but i no alot about guys well is you love him and you really trust him then you should merry him but dont let your fear get 2 you! 64.109.206.51 submitter's IP address

Name:	Bob
Date:	Fri Dec 20 19:01:41 2002
Wrote... The sad reality is that he'll never be wholly yours. I think you need to leave him and get some wholesome 'lovin from a dedicated gentleman of the south. Pop over to my trailer later on. And bring a 6-pack, ***. 67.8.226.176 submitter's IP address

Name:	Sonya
Date:	Thu Dec 19 12:35:23 2002
Wrote... I've been there. You must figure out what makes "you" happy ultimately. Personally, in my situation I could not take the feeling of not being number one on his list; and not only did I want to be number one on his list, I wanted to be the only one on his list. That ex and those children will always be there on that list. It's an obligation. Ask your self: It is really worth all the pain? Are you selling your self short? What are your expectations in a relationship and does he fullfill them? Even if the ex did clear up her act, would her presence still internally bother you? If your anything like me they probably will. Just remember your happiness comes first for you. It's not selfish, you owe it to yourself. If you stay, make sure it is because "you" are happy with the relationship as a whole. Remember, dont keep these feelings bottled in or they will haunt you later big time. Also remember, you may be with a great guy, but there could be better guys out there!!! There is obviously room for imporvement and maybe that guy is out there! Just be happy! 158.229.209.37 submitter's IP address

Name:	«¤Sammie¤»
Date:	Mon Dec 2 16:22:20 2002
Wrote... Focus on the relationship and make him know that you love him. Also, talk about your future with him in it. Don't be afraid of her, and confront him about it if it troubles you alot. 205.251.136.48 submitter's IP address

Name:	Kathryn
Date:	Wed Nov 27 19:21:09 2002
Wrote... I thik you should move on from this man unless you truly head over heals love him. Also if you do love him you would be surprized that you might want kids someday. But annyways, you should stay away from his ex and move on with your life with or without him. Also I feel bad for you and I hope you work through this. P.S. Please do not E-mail me back and im sorry to say that the E-mail i posted and the info is not true. Im sorry but I can not send this not knowing something will happen. Thanks, your Friend. 205.188.208.102 submitter's IP address

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