Bad Date Stories
Hairy Man Tries to Score

During the Summer, I represented my company at our booth at the Internet World Trade Show. On my second day there, a short-ish, balding, middle aged man approached me and made some small talk. As I am supposed to do as a company representative, I manioulated the conversation to pertain to business, and noted that our companies could work well together. He was based in New York, and I was in Los Angeles, so we communicated via email for quite some time. After a few email exchanges, we developed a bit of a friendship, and began to talk about family and so forth. In December, my company sent me to New York for another trade show, so I let my email pal know I was coming and suggested getting together in a last-ditch effort to form a strategic alliance.

The evening my plane landed, I checked into my suite at the Paramount Hotel to find that my friend - we'll call him Rob - had already left a message for me, suggesting that we get together that for dinner and conversation. I called to accept his invitation, and at 7:00PM I was sitting in the lobby of my hotel awaiting his arrival. I hadn't been sitting there long when a small man with a badly dyed toupee that resembled a dead squirrel approached me with a smile. "Okay...I can handle this....It's just business...", I thought, as I bit my tongue and refrained from asking him if he truly thought I wasn't going to notice his sudden resurgence of wavy red hair.

As we left the hotel, he explained that the restaurant he wanted to take me to was in walking distance, and we set off on our way. It wasn't entirely mortifying to walk with him, but when he took my hand, we began to get odd looks from passers by. Here's this little, fuzzy, colorfully dressed man leading a 5'10", well-dressed former model on his arm throughout Manhattan....I'm sure it seemed an unlikely pair.

We got to the restaurant where he proceeded to bore me with the details of his divorce, and then pulled our a veritable archive of photos of his kids which he summarized individually, "Here's billey on his third birthday....we rented a pony and had a clown there...ha got a big bouncy ball and was so happy, he barfed....". Oy vey! After 2 1/2 hours of this, and 4 strong cosmopolitans, I find a way to conclude the evening, and we head out. He insists on walking me back to my hotel, and once we arrive, I shake his hand and thank him for "an evening....". I figured that would be a tremendous hint. I figured wrong.

Rob followed me all the way to my room, and when I tried to gracefully thank him for seeing me to my door, he pushed past me and entered the room. I thought to myself, "Okay, be calm...be kind...the poor lil' guy will be devastated if you're rude to him...". I offered him a drink, and took a seat on the bed (the room was small...one chair and the bed were all that was available) prepared to feign exhaustion if he stayed too long. After a few minutes of conversation, he leaned across (he was in the chair) and kissed me. Okay, I'm a wimp, but I lightly kissed him back, and immediately excused myself and stepped into the restroom to think things over. After deliberating for a few seconds, I realized that the only thing left to do was to go out and be direct with him, and hope that his dignity remained in tact.

I opened the door and entered the room, fully prepared to be forthright, only to find that the situation had escalated immeasurably: Ron was now laying on the bed stark naked except for a pair of black dress socks and bikini breifs...AAAKKK! To make matters worse, he looked like a wookie! Now, I don't generally mind a little bit of hair, even back hair can be overlooked, but this dude had a freaking PELT. I mean, built-in arctic temperature ocntrol!!! But that's not all: before the situation could completely register, he looked at me with his beady little eyes and said, "If I'd have known it was gonna be THIS kind of date, I'd have brought my overnight bag!" I hadn't had a moment to begin to respond when he spoke again, "Now get over here and suck ** ****, Baby!" (Fill in the blanks there...my stomach turns simply thinking about it!) My eyes nearly popped out of my head!!! I grabbed his things, handed them to him with more grace than he deserved, and asked him to leave. He resisted, and I began to worry that I had a situation on my hands. Just then, there was a loud knock at my door. Thank goodness I was a frequent visitor to the hotel and knew some of the staff well. One of the guys at the bell desk had noticed him following me to my room and came up to make sure the situation was under control. When I told him what was happening, he grabbed velcro-boy with one hand, grabbed the beast's clothes in the other and removed him forceably from my room in all his naked splendour. I changed rooms that night, and my name was removed from the guest registry so that he would think I had left.

It had been nearly a year since this happened, and to this day, the jerk still sends me emails. I don't respond, but he persists. I suppose obsessions in the wookie culture die hard!

~by "Fuzygabber"
August 2002

Send this page to a friend

Submit a Bad Date story here
Past Dating No-Nos
Past Bad Date stories

        back to "Dating"