Old Flames - Redux:
To Search or not to Search……
by Trixie

Have you ever thought about someone that you used to love? Wondered how they're doing? Where they're living? If they're married, have kids? Whether they still think of you from time to time?

You're not alone.

Old flames, lost loves, past loves. Many people have them. Judging by the near 50% divorce rate, one can assume that the break-up rate of all relationships is even higher. So where do these "lost loves" go? Are they relegated to a part of our past, soon to be forgotten? Or are they a memory that lives on in our mind and our hearts? Do these "lost loves" become a blue print for future relationships? What we want, what we don't want? Does the love live on after the relationship has ended? What happens when thoughts of that "lost love" creep into our day-to-day thoughts and living? Do you confront the thoughts head-on, or do you simply wait for it to pass?

For some people, thoughts of their "lost love" have always been a part of their life. For others, there may be something that triggers the memory, opening the door to a flood of emotions. This can be months - or decades - after the relationship has ended. Perhaps a mutual "break-up" occurred because you thought you were "too young". Maybe you never wanted the relationship to end, but circumstances beyond your control broke you apart. Parents, college, relocating, joining the military, etc..... Whatever the circumstantial reason, here you are. So what do you do? Do you try to find that person? And if your search is successful, then what?

THE SEARCH.....

Searching for a lost love is easier than ever. There are many web sites that can facilitate finding a person. There are reunion sites like Classmates.com and Reunion.com. You can find phone book directories for almost anywhere in the world. There are businesses and web sites that were established for the sole purpose of finding someone. And there are still the traditional ways - contacting mutual friends, family members, old places of employment, contacting alumni associations. Or maybe you still have their address, phone number or e-mail address tucked away somewhere.

But should you search for that person at all? And if your search is successful - should you contact that person? Or maybe you ask yourself why you would want to. What do you hope to gain? What if you're both single? Married? What if you don't know your lost love's current status?

Single and….. ?

The best case scenario: You're single, your old flame is single. You find each other. You discover the love is still there. You date. You marry. You live happily ever after.

Dream come true.

But what if you're single… and he's not? Or what if you're currently attached?

Curiosity may have killed the cat - but can it kill your current relationship?

Many books and articles chronicle the love process. From finding a mate, to the obstacle course called "dating", to maintaining a relationship, to planning a wedding and holding a marriage together. On the flip side there are many books on how to recover from love gone sour. From the amount of reading material one could get the impression that love - and the search for it - is one of life's most compelling - and confusing - reasons for being. With so many "lost loves" out there you should also be able to find a treasure trove of books to help guide you through the emotional mine field you could be stepping in to.

Surprisingly - that isn't true. But there is one book that can be considered "the bible" of "lost loves".

Dr. Nancy Kalish has spent the past 11 years researching the "lost love" phenomenon. Her book, LOST AND FOUND LOVERS, and web site ( www.lostlovers.com ) chronicles many "lost love" reunions, and includes many stories from people that have been there, done that. The good, the bad, the heartache and the joy. Although it isn't a "how-to" guide on "lost love", the personal stories and research statistics contained within are a glimpse into the reality of rekindling, or the attempts to rekindle a "lost love".

Many people feel that searching out and contacting an old love is completely innocent. A chance to say hi, catch up on life and move on. But often times the feelings that come with such contact can be overwhelming. This is something that should especially be considered by those that are currently "happily" married or in other "good" relationships when they begin searching. You may have to ask yourself "What if I find I still love this person? What will I do if he / she says he still loves me?"

Dr. Kalish described it best:

"The already married participants had not gone looking for trouble. These people did not expect the reappearance of an old flame to be so scorching. They thought they could merely catch up on old times, get "closure" or see an old friend. But the initial, safe email message is followed by another. Soon the back and forth messages may be several times a day, then when that is not enough, the phone calls start, and then the visits. The innocence is gone and the angst begins."

1. Some people like to hang onto their memories as they are. Would it spoil the past for you if it didn't work out?
2. Are you married? Do you value that marriage? Or are you willing to leave it - and your children, business, community etc -- at a moment's notice?
3. Are you married and religious? Would an affair make you feel like you were violating your religious code?
4. Was your initial romance with this lost love pleasant and ended for situational reasons? Or was it conflicted or even abusive? Was your lost love inconsistent, a cheater?
5. Are you strong enough to handle whatever happens? No answer? An angry response? A love affair that your lost lover ends? A love affair that is discovered by your spouse?
6. How good are you at keeping secrets? Would secrets cause you conflict? If you couldn't tell anyone about your reunion, how would you cope?

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